Recently I feel like I have hit a brick wall. I’ve decided I want to leave my job, move to a bigger city and experience something different and more exciting.
I have lived in Lincoln for three-and-a-bit years now. I loved it as a student (it’s cheap and everywhere is within walking distance – a God send for someone on a student budget), and I love the girls I live with. But although I still like the city it’s not quite where I want to be at this point in my life.
I’m finding myself attracted to more vibrant cities with cool bars, a good music scene, art galleries and museums with interesting displays, independent restaurants and cafes (Lincs is full of chains). Lincoln’s nightlife is two-fold – you’re either a student and are happy with drinking anywhere, or 30+ years old and earning enough to justify spending £20 on a bottle of wine in some swanky restaurant at the top of Steep Hill. As I’m neither of those, it’s difficult to have a good night out without feeling like I’m rehashing my student life only in a weird fraudulent, imposter-style way because I’m not actually at uni anymore.
I wanna live 17-year-old, hipster Becky’s dream of what life is like when you’re earning an alright wage and currently I’m not doing that.
My job isn’t exactly what I see myself doing forever either. I’m lucky to have gone straight into full-time employment in a career that somewhat follows on from my degree, I have picked up new skills and I work with the loveliest people. It just doesn’t allow me the freedom to come up with an idea and run with it. It’s missing the creativity that is encouraged at university. And while I understand that university is about experimenting and exploring different ideas in a way that doesn’t match up with any career no matter how creative it is (all jobs involve boring, dot-to-dot, admin type work), I still feel like the career side of my life needs tweaking slightly to give me the gumption I want.
Third year of uni was one of the most motivated and content periods of my life. It was simpler when I was running round trying to meet module deadlines and getting smashed with my pals.
This is where the “stuck” feeling creeps up on me. My life has become an endless cycle of waking up, commuting to work, going to the gym, coming home, applying for jobs, sleeping and then getting up to do it all over again until the weekend. The weekend is where I really shake things up and go for the one drink that my £50 a week budget allows me and clean my bathroom. W i l d.
There are also so many other things I want to do with my life: get this blog off the ground in terms of how it looks and posting regular content, look into doing a part-time masters, go on a girls’ holiday, pass my driving test, live abroad for a year and develop a solid set of abs.
I feel like a horse ready to bolt out a gate. Or a dog that’s almost at the field where it will be allowed off its lead. Only I’m a human so my thought process is less “that looks fun let’s do that” and more of an “I’m wasting my potential” existential crisis. Graduate life is fun.
My plan is to take it one step at a time and try not to get overwhelmed by the want of a more fulfilling life. I’m trying to be like: job in a cool city first, then look at driving lessons in said city, while at the same time my new job will hopefully be a wage that facilitates a girls’ holiday with my current housemates. My blog is a constant work in progress. A masters and living abroad are years way so I don’t want to worry myself with them yet.
I feel that’s a more conducive way of looking at it than “I need to achieve all of these things as once otherwise I’ve failed”. Not succeeding at everything at the age of 22 isn’t failure – I just need to make a conscious effort to get to where I want to be without pressuring myself.
Do you guys ever feel like this? Let me know in the comments if you have any tips or tricks for beating this way of thinking!